Saturday, July 23, 2011

Amber ... Two Years in Heaven

Amber ... I can't believe it has been two years since I held your hand in mine and kissed you goodnight.  Two long years of missing you.  I walk by your room a hundred times a day and oh how I wish you were in there watching television or reading.  Your DVR is still set with the shows you recorded.  I sometimes go in there to see what is recording.  We haven't had it in our heart to disconnect it. 

I know you are in Heaven and one day I will see you again.  My faith is what gets me through the days.  God had a plan for you before you were born.  I can clearly see that now.  You touched so many lives in your nearly 30 years here on earth.  Everyone said you always had a smile on your face.   I know you have a huge smile now that you are walking again and out of the wheelchair :)  Oh to see you walk again and one day I will!  In the meantime I have to stay here until God calls me home and keep your sister and your Daddy going.  Someone has to keep them in line :)

I thanked God when you were born and so perfect!  Big blue eyes and long dark hair.  Oh and those long eyelashes ... I was so jealous!!   You looked like a china doll. 
When you were diagnosed with muscular dystrophy I feared our time with you on earth would be cut short.  We always made the most of our time.  I always said I would have no regrets and I spoiled you rotten!!  You knew you had me wrapped around your little finger (and your daddy too).

Someone told me once that God gives special kids to special parents.  I don't consider myself special ... he just knew you would be very well taken care of by your daddy and me.  I go to your Facebook account to "farm" your farm and see your friends post about being married and having babies.  I can't help think about how it could have been had you not had this horrible disease.  All I wanted was for you to be healthy and to live a normal life. Things don't always go as planned.  But none of us are promised tomorrow.  That's the way I always tried to look at life.  We could be gone in the blink of an eye.

So many people say they think of you when they see sunflowers or the color purple!  It makes me happy to know that people who didn't even know you think of you when they spot a sunflower.  It's like you are shining down on us with a huge smile.

This week I was purchasing pinwheels to put on your gravesite to tie balloons to and a lady asked me if I was having a party.  I told her no that I was putting one on my daughter's headstone and she was so touched. I know she was thinking she shouldn't have asked me what I was doing with them.  She was touched by my story.
 Of course the pinwheels are purple!

I still cry every day and I probably always will ... it's just a "mommy" thing.  As parents we are not supposed to have to bury our children.  Believe me it was the hardest and most heartbreaking thing in my life.

You once told me that if you could have a job it would be rocking babies in a nursery.  I read other parents blogs who have lost babies and I imagine you rocking babies in Heaven :)

As I said above it is my faith in God that keeps me going.  Heaven is not far away at all!

Keep on smiling down on us!  We will see you again one day :)

Love you sweet girl!


~from my front porch in the mountains~ said...

Oh, sweet made me cry :) A good cry!
Amber is so loved and by so many because you have kept her memory and spirt alive!!

~~And the Angels called out to Amber, "Come blow out the candles on your birthday cake, Amber!" And Amber called to the Angels,"In a minute! I have one more baby to rock!" And then Amber Ran all the way to Birthday Cloud.
Because SHE CAN! And she is wearing our purple tennis shoes :) And smiling down on her family...
xo, misha

Betty Lou said...

Oh Donna, I have been looking at the calendar all week and knew that this 2nd anniversary was near. My heart goes out to you and your family. I can't imagine how difficult this has been for you and but please know that your friends in blogland are here when you need us. My mother passed away when I was 10 yrs old and my life was never the same, I still miss her and talk to her almost daily. We don't know why our lives take such difficult turns but we have to believe that we will be with them for eternity.

Mid-Atlantic Martha said...

Donna -- thank you for sharing Amber with those of us who didn't have the chance to know her. A couple in our congregation lost 2 grandbabies this past year, what a comfort to think of Amber rocking those precious little babies.

Susan said...

Donna I am remembering you in my prayers. Anniversary's dates for the loss of a loved one is so hard on the family! Your little Amber sounds like she was a really special young lady!
Donna , there is nothing anyone can say that will heal your hurt... I just can not imagine burying a child. As you said we are suppose to out live our children.
I bought some sunflowers for my kitchen table, I did not realize when I bought them ,that your Amber loved them. Now when I look at those flowers, I can look up in heaven and say Thank you Amber.
I can almost hear the rocking chair rocking in heaven.

Gloria (The Little Red House with the White Porch) said...

What a lovely post for your daughter on her anniversary. My heart goes out to you and your family, Donna. It is so hard to lose a loved one, but to lose one's child is the worst that can happen to anyone. I'm sure that Amber is always around you and watching over you and your husband and her sister. I will say a prayer for your peace of mind.
God bless you.

erin said...

oh sweet donna,
my heart is aching for you...your post today so beautifully written...what an adorable picture of amber as a little girl...her eyes are so sparkly....."rocking babies in heaven' yes, indeedy....i am sending you and amber prayers and visions of sunflower fields from franklin....

Miriam said...

:( Beautiful words Donna.

((hugs)) I wish I could give them in person.

Cherish your wonderful memories.

Kerrie said...

All I can say is we love you....♥

Bernie said...

Sending big hugs and many prayers to you dear friend......we will see our children in God's time......:-)

donna said...

Donna what beautiful words. My heart aches for you. You are always in my thoughts and prayers.

Tales From My Empty Nest said...

Donna, what an amazing post that you did for Amber. Although I did not have the privilege of knowing her, you have kept her memories alive through the stories you post about her. I know Amber was an incredible young lady and she was so blessed to have you as her Mother! Like you said in your post.. every time I see sunflowers, I always think about Amber. I can just see her up in heaven rocking the babies! I know you miss her so much, but because of your faith, I know you rejoice in the knowledge that you will be re-united with her one day in heaven. The picture you posted of her as a little girl is precious! What a sweetie! My love & prayers continue to be with you, Donna. Thanks for sharing Amber with all of us. Love & blessings from NC!


Oh Donna, my heart goes out to you and I'm shedding some tiers, myself, but all the love you and your family had for your beloved daughter is where the strength to stand up to this hard trying times are!! Your love for her was and is, really, amazing and God will unite you both one day, just some loved ones go a little earlier. God bless you and your family today, in her anniversary. FABBY

Jen in NY said...

I'm picturing your Amber rocking my little Jacob in heaven. {{hugs}} Jen

My Vintage Studio said...

Sending you a hug!
Sharon said...

Dear Donna ~ this is such a beautiful post and I am greatful you have this blog to share your thoughts and feelings. Hold on to your wonderful memories and know that we're thinking of you and praying for you:)


Mary said...

Precious Amber can hold our baby who didn't live through my pregnancy - if she can get our baby out of my mother's arms! We lost our baby in 1995 and my mom died 10 years later. I send loving hugs your way as I grieve with you, dear mother. I'm proud of you for spoiling Amber so much - bravo!

Mary @ Redo 101

Mama Pea said...

This made me cry, Donna. I'm thinking of you....